And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
