did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
