Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
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