you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
