I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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