Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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