Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
