if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
