i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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