you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
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