Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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