I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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