I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
