just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
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