then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm like, not good at living.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
