I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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