i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize