i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You were trust falling into bushes
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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