I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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