I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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