my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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