Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
