More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
