my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
