OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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