It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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