1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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