Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Acid is not a monday night drug
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
