If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
