They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
