My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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