If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize