Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
im on a boat
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