My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
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