I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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