Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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