Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
