Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I think my fart just growled at me.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
