Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
