I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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