I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
