the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
