he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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