drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
