Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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