bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Come share oat with me in your robe
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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