I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I wish there were birth control emojis
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
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