You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
