I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
