you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
