they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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