You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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