sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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