The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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