i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
