FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
