I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
