woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
