I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
