if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
