update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
