she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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