whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
